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esskay
Digital storyteller, Photographic narrator, Hogwarts alum. In real life, I write things. I speak fluent sarcasm. I'm unintentionally funny. My favorite thing is food. Guac is life. I'm a fountain of the most random information. I'm pretty, only because it's weird to call oneself beautiful. I'm weird in all the good ways. I live in the greatest city on Earth. I was Sasha before Beyonce was schizophrenic. My life is stranger than fiction. But please, don't take my word for it. My pen is mightier than my sword. Instagram
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Monday, February 8, 2010 || 12:55 PM
The other morning I woke up and felt like someone had beat me with the knowledge of his absence. I keep feeling like this will go away in time and I'll feel better. And most of the time, I do feel better. Until one day, much like that day, I'll wake up and it'll feel like it was yesterday that they told me he was gone and I would never see him again. As much as time keeps tick-tick-ticking away and as much as I keep trying to grasp the reality that surrounds me, I still can't understand anything. And now his son is here. When I first found out, I kept thinking "how is it possible that his son is here and he's gone?". Like a pregnant woman who would take her baby with her when she leaves this Earth, but yet still, little SP is here, alive and well, opening his little bright eyes and staring at the world around him, none the wiser that everyone around him is hurting but perfectly (and luckily) oblivious to this pain that surrounds me everyday. I wish things were different. I wish Sean was here, I wish that even if he had to go, he had at least had the opportunity to hold his son and get to know him because I have no doubt that he's gonna be a truly amazing kid. But things aren't different. She's here and he's not and I still haven't forgiven her for that. I pray everyday, asking God to help me not to hate her because I really don't want to but I still can't bring myself to speak to her. Now I'm starting to think that this extended vacation is just the calm before the storm because when I get home, I know that something is coming. Now that little SP is here, I can't very well walk this line, this tightrope I've been walking since my brother died. I have to fall one way or the other and I'm just hoping this fall won't leave me as battered and bruised as death did because death (obviously) shows no mercy. Only time will tell...Labels: in real life, personals |