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esskay
Digital storyteller, Photographic narrator, Hogwarts alum. In real life, I write things. I speak fluent sarcasm. I'm unintentionally funny. My favorite thing is food. Guac is life. I'm a fountain of the most random information. I'm pretty, only because it's weird to call oneself beautiful. I'm weird in all the good ways. I live in the greatest city on Earth. I was Sasha before Beyonce was schizophrenic. My life is stranger than fiction. But please, don't take my word for it. My pen is mightier than my sword. Instagram
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Wednesday, October 20, 2010 || 5:29 PM
You never realize what you're in until you get out of it. For almost a year, I've been in a relationship and for almost a year, I've been utterly miserable. Now my misery is not just because of this relationship. There have been other factors that contribute to it. For instance, the passing of my older brother and all the drama in my family that followed. However, I've been putting so much of myself into a person that hasn't put anything into me and this entire time, instead of seeing it for what it was, I just kept fighting him and the truth of the situation. Now I could have avoided this on my own but at the same time, we both could have avoided wasting our time if he had just been honest with me and himself from the beginning. At the end of the day, I'm not angry. I'm hurt, sure, but most of all, I just feel this overwhelming sense of relief. Not because we're no longer together because I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't miss him and I didn't care about him anymore (unfortunately, these feelings can't just be turned off). I'm relieved because I don't have to be sad anymore. And as happy as being with him made me, my sadness greatly outweighed my happiness for these past ten months.Mostly, I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. And maybe it's stupid of me to feel that way because of the way he hurt me. I'll never know the full truth of what's really going on in his mind and in his heart but now, that's not for me to worry about. All I can do is wish him well. But now, more than anything, I need to focus on me in a way I haven't in a very long time. I need to deal with the fact that my brother is gone instead of just avoiding it. I need to throw myself into my art and find a way to achieve all the goals I've set for myself but just pushed to the side in the past year. I need to reclaim my life and my happiness for the sake of my own sanity. God has something in mind for me and when He closes one door, it's only because He's about to shove me out of a window where I'll plunge into an abundance of awesomeness meant just for me. Until then, I can only trust Him. Labels: babble and rant, in real life, personals |