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esskay
Digital storyteller, Photographic narrator, Hogwarts alum. In real life, I write things. I speak fluent sarcasm. I'm unintentionally funny. My favorite thing is food. Guac is life. I'm a fountain of the most random information. I'm pretty, only because it's weird to call oneself beautiful. I'm weird in all the good ways. I live in the greatest city on Earth. I was Sasha before Beyonce was schizophrenic. My life is stranger than fiction. But please, don't take my word for it. My pen is mightier than my sword. Instagram
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Tuesday, July 18, 2017 || 5:01 PM
I used to think I was the master of grudge holding. Like, if it's fuck you now, it's fuck you forever. I don't know if it's that I've grown as a person or that I really just don't have the energy to give that much to other people anymore. Maybe it's a little bit of both. But there's this Maya Angelou quote that always comes to me when I think about forgiveness.I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.They say everyone is in your life for a reason and a season. There have been people in my life who at the time, I thought would be here forever. And when they showed me who they really were, then I thought it would be fuck them forever. And now that I think about it, I realize I don't think about those people at all. I don't wish them well, I don't wish them bad, I just don't care. Then there are other people who I thought would be in my life for the long haul and it's funny how when you form these bonds, it always feels like it's for forever. It never enters your mind that things won't turn out the way you thought until they don't. But there are people who I've been close to and we've stopped being close for one reason for another. Those people, I think about quite often. Because even if I feel like the way we fell apart isn't on me, I still know that they're good people. I wish them well and even though we may not talk anymore, I'm still quietly rooting for them. Here's the thing. Maya Angelou wasn't wrong. But I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the exception and not the rule. I can forgive, I can move on, I can wish you well but I will never, ever forget exactly what you said or exactly what you did to cause us to be on the outs. And in my mind, what you did becomes who you are. It doesn't erase the friend you were before but it's a lot like mourning them because until you change what happened (i.e. apologize, explain, something!) you'll always be this new asshole in my mind. The asshole who stopped speaking to me for no reason, or the asshole who wanted to point fingers at me to mask your own shortcomings. Or the asshole who thought some guy or girl was more important than our lifelong friendship. And even though I can forgive these things, until you personally take the steps to change it, I can't see it any other way. Nobody is perfect. And because we're imperfect people, we have imperfect relationships. I'd like to think I've grown into a person who can recognize and admit when they're wrong. And I'd like to think that the people in my life are the same. But I also know that the longer a silence goes on, the less likely it is to end. So for now, I'll try to fill the silence with something beautiful. And know I'll still be here, quietly rooting for you, asshole that you may be. Because with the exception of the people who have made it all too easy to forget them, we're friends. We may not speak, we may not have spoken for some time, but some people just can't be shaken from your life so easily. Labels: babble and rant, friends and fam, in real life, personals Friday, January 20, 2017 || 4:53 PM
There are certain things I don't like talking about on the internet. For starters, I tend to keep my opinions on politics and religion to myself because people get brave behind a keyboard and talk reckless and also because I can't deal with the internet trolls. I'm always up for a healthy exchange of ideas and I know the select few people I can have that with. But the internet has pissed me off, as I knew it would, mere hours after the swearing in of Tangerine Voldemort and I find I can't hold my tongue any longer.I keep seeing this all over social media: You notice how Bernie lost and he's still out here fighting for us and Hillary lost and she disappeared into the night?This is annoying for a few reasons. First, Bernie Sanders is still a senator. His obligation is to the people. It's literally his job to still be fighting for you. As an ordinary citizen, Hillary Clinton has no such obligation. Do I necessarily agree with her silence at this time? No. But I do understand it. Second, most of the people posting this are the same Bernie or Bust fucktards that decided not to vote in the general election because "Hillary's just as bad as Trump." Likely the same ones that cost her the election and definitely the same ones who were the first to voice their outrage at the election results. Hillary was never a perfect candidate and she is many things. But here's what she isn't: an openly racist, misogynistic, homophobic, rapey as fuck demagogue. I'd take her over Persimmon Hitler any day. And third, this woman worked her entire career to be the most qualified (if not overly qualified) candidate for the job and got this far just to lose to a reality tv star. Just to have her name continually dragged through the mud and still concede the election with grace and dignity. Let me ask you, perfect candidate or not, would you be in a hurry to stand up and fight for the same people who turned their backs on you? Especially when it's not even your job anymore? Y'all have a lot of GOTdamned nerve. Because NOW, now that Apricot Satan has wormed is way into the White House, now that, mere hours after he was sworn in, all traces of climate change, LGBTQ rights, financial disclosures, petitions and who knows what else has disappeared from the White House website, NOW y'all want her to save you? Get the whole entire fuck outta here! I hope Hillary Clinton never says another word in defense of this shitshow called America ever again. I hope she retires and goes back to her big ass mansion upstate New York and plays with her grandchildren and her dogs and does happy rich white people shit and enjoys her life. I think, if nothing else, she's earned that much. Labels: babble and rant, in real life, pop of culture Monday, April 18, 2016 || 10:13 PM
I've been wanting to say something and I haven't known quite how to say it. I'm still not sure, but on the eve of New York's primary election, I figured what better time to give it a try.Let me just put this out there: I do not talk about politics. Much the same way I don't talk about religion but even more so. I feel like my views are mine and it's not my place to try to shove them down other peoples throats. That said, why don't people understand that it's not their place to push their views, political or otherwise, off on others? I feel like this is common fucking sense, people. And it's true, common sense is not so common as of late but this is pretty basic stuff. I enjoy a nice, intelligent conversation as much as the next person. We don't always have to see eye to eye but I'm down for a healthy exchange of ideas. We can have different opinions and still respect each other. So if you want to ask me about my views and why I vote the way I do, that's fine. But why do people feel like it's ok to tell you who you better be voting for? If I'm voting for one candidate and you're voting for another, it's not because you're smart and I'm dumb (unless it's Trump, there's no excuse for that.) It could be for any number of reasons. Maybe we grew up in different places and under different circumstances, experienced different things. The things that matter to me may not matter as much to you and vice versa. One candidate's agenda is more in line with my interests. We have different priorities. Any one of those things can change the way a person votes and it's not your place to tell someone what issues should or should not matter to them. It's your place to do your civic duty and make sure your voice is heard. Every person gets one vote. I'm sorry but you can't have mine. So whatever you do, make sure you make yours count. Labels: babble and rant, in real life, pop of culture Friday, March 4, 2016 || 8:24 PM
On the heels of the most lit Black History Month in my memory and only days into Women's History Month, I had an interesting thought. I say interesting because I can't quite put my finger on the word that would properly describe it. But here's the thought: At one point in every little black girl's life, she wishes she were white. Now maybe this doesn't hold true for every young black girl. Maybe there are black girls out there who have been woke since birth and I envy them because the vast majority of black girls, myself included, aren't lucky enough to be born knowing just how beautiful our blackness is. Now obviously, this is a direct result of the lack of representation in the media. Little black girls aren't used to seeing beautiful black women on tv. The black girl doesn't get the guy. She isn't the head cheerleader or the most popular girl in school. Nine times out of ten, she doesn't even get to be the geek in the endearing coming of age story who gets a makeover and turns out to be hot. She's just that girl in the corner that the camera rolls past. An extra. An "other." Or worse, she's the angry black girl. Just another stereotype. But I'm not here to talk about what we already know. I'm just making an observation. I remember when it happened to me. I remember watching Lizzie McGuire with her cool clothes and her great friends and her straight blonde hair and wondering why that couldn't be me. And that year, I dyed my hair blonde(ish), cut a bang and wore a scarf as a belt. I'm not proud of it. Trust me, it's pretty embarrassing to admit. But necessary to make my point. Because after all that, I still wasn't happy. And not only that, I felt like people didn't get me. Just thinking about it makes me glad I'm not a kid anymore. The angst and being SO misunderstood? The drama that wasn't really drama? Junior High School? Lord knows I don't miss any of it. But it's easy to forget the struggles that young girls go through. I was 13 when it happened to me. And by the time I got to high school, I was over it. But to hear someone as young as my five year old niece say "I wish I was white" is heartbreaking. It's so easy for young girls to be swayed into thinking that their blackness is something they need to cast aside to be trendy or cool. Because dark skin isn't cool and curly hair isn't cool. It isn't the norm. Here's the thing though. Being black, especially being a black girl, is everything. I really believe black girl magic is a thing. We continue to accomplish so much because of, not in spite of the obstacles in our way and I think that makes all the difference.Labels: babble and rant, personals, pop of culture Wednesday, September 2, 2015 || 11:58 PM
There comes a point in every young woman's life when she realizes that her mother was right. About basically everything. Now, you don't get there overnight. Mothers and daughters have complicated and sometimes delicate relationships. No, there is a process. First it's one thing. Maybe coming to a realization and having a nagging sensation that you've come to it before. And then you'll think about an experience, something you've gone through. You'll think about how a situation ended exactly as she predicted it would or how making certain choices, however small and irrelevant they may have seemed, made your life that much easier. And then you grapple with the horrifying thought that your worst nightmare has come true: you have become her. Because although you love her and would do anything for her, the woman is batshit crazy and you swore this would never happen. And then you dial down the drama and chalk it up to old age. Women get older, wiser, and then get along with their mothers. Because although you tried to deny it, your mother, in all of her infinite wisdom, was right. You cut your own bangs and learned the hard way that it's not the wisest choice. You dated that guy who was impossible to relate to because it was something to do. You trusted people who turned out to be more foe than friend. And you wore those shoes that were too high with that dress that was too short and got some very inappropriate propositions that night. So now that I'm older and hopefully wiser, I'll share some things. For those of you who haven't dealt with the reality that mother does indeed know best, maybe it'll be easier taking it from a daughter. The salon will always give you a better trim. I don't even know why this is a question. Dating a guy with similar (or even the same) cultural and/or religious background will make your life so much easier. There's so much you'll never have to explain, so much that you'll just get about each other. So many things that won't stress you out, including wondering whether your parents like him. That friend who doesn't act like your friend, isn't your friend. You're better than this. You deserve better than this. Move on, and let them watch you be great without them. And lastly, don't wear 4 inch heels with a dress that hits anywhere above the knee, you'll look like a prostitute. And depending on the dress, maybe not even a high paying one. The point is this: one day, your bangs will grow out, you'll date a gentleman and you'll make smarter choices and those choices will come from the far removed part of your brain that was accidentally listening while your mother lectured you about your hemline. And when that happens, you will be so very grateful for her.To my mother, to all of the mothers, especially mothers to little women who are not quite women yet, I'm sorry. I know how frustrating it is to want someone to be smarter for their own good and they just refuse. Adolescence is no excuse. I feel for you. Probably a good time to mention that I doubt I have a maternal bone in my body but we'll see. However, I also want to thank you for everything you are and everything you do. It can't be easy always being right and being the only one to know it but you guys didn't sign up for the easy job and I respect it. Labels: babble and rant, in real life, personals Saturday, July 25, 2015 || 1:56 PM
I remember a simpler time, when my makeup collection consisted of a chapstick in my back pocket. Those were the days....After years of fighting it, I have a makeup "collection" (I'm using that word very loosely).  What's more, it slightly resembles that of a grown woman. Which I'm actually kinda proud of. So I figured I'd tell you all what's in this collection/my makeup routine (and by "routine" I mean what I use the once-ish a month that I actually wear makeup) because even though I'm not about to do a Youtube tutorial or a "what's in my makeup drawer" video, people are into this stuff. Right? RIGHT?? Anyway.... Stuff in this "collection": EYES Urban Decay Book of Shadows 4 -includes 16 shadows, liquid eyeliner, mascara and the eyeshadow primer potion BH Cosmetics 120 color palette Estee Lauder Deluxe Eyeshadow Compact Clinique all about shadow quad Clinique lash building primer Clinique lash doubling mascara Clinique high impact mascara Clinique quickliner (cream) -intense ebony, intense plum and intense ivy Benefit They're Real mascara Givenchy Phenomen' Eyes mascara Estee Lauder Intense Kajal eyeliner in Blackened Black (pencil) Sephora retractable eyeliner in shimmer bronze (crayon) Sephora Classic Line 24hr felt liner (liquid) Kiko automatic precision eyeliner in 705/blue-ish (crayon) LIPS Maybelline Baby Lips (that time chapstick almost made a comeback) -plum, pink and nude Revlon Colorburst Matte Balm in Unapologetic Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick in Fleshtone Makeover Essentials lip gloss -coral, bright pink, soft pink and champagne Kiko matte precision lip pencil in 306/bright red Kat Von D Everlasting Love Liquid Lipstick in Berlin Buxom Full-On Lipstick in Las Vegas Bare Minerals Pretty Amazing Lipstick in Strength BH Cosmetics Color Lock Long Lasting Matte Lipstick in Passionate Sephora Cream Lip Stain -Always Red, Endless Purple, Forever Fuchsia and Mandarin Muse MAC Lipstick -Cyber (satin), Diva (matte) Clinique Chubby Stick intense moisturizing lip color balm -Mightiest Maraschino, Broadest Berry Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Cruella Nars Satin Lip Pencil in Rikugien FACE Bare Minerals Prime Time foundation primer Bare Minerals Original Foundation in Warm Tan Bare Minerals All-Over Face Color in Warmth Bare Minerals Original Mineral Vail Estee Lauder Deluxe All-Over Face Compact -includes three blush shades and a bronzer Makeover Essentials Shimmer Powder Brush in Bronze Benefit Watt's Up Highlighter Clinique Moisture Surge CC Cream in Deep Chanel Powderlights in Rose Dusk tl;dr I have a lot of shit. So now, onto my "routine" Foundation intimidates me. Which is why I use the Clinique CC Cream because I don't need a primer, a moisturizer or even a brush. I just rub it all over my face and it's everything in one. I don't even need a concealer because it blurs everything. What I love about it is that it's super subtle. It doesn't look or feel like I'm wearing makeup but it's like putting a very subtle filter on your face. Eyeshadow is my favorite because even though I don't wear it often, there's so much you can do with it. Urban Decay has some really great, super pigmented colors but I've really been loving the BH Cosmetics 120 palette lately because there are so many color combos and looks you can create. I'm pretty hopeless with eyeliner but once I put on mascara, it's a little easier to make a straight line. I usually use the Clinique liners because they're the easiest and they don't smudge. Lipstick is kind of an obsession of mine because even if I don't do anything else to my face, I can always put a color on my lips and look like I tried. This is probably the laziest lazy girl makeup routine you've ever heard of. That's fine. I've always felt like I'm not girly enough to put in more effort than I do. It's a miracle I've even gotten this far. I've accepted it though. God blessed me with really good looks so it's all good. I saw this woman putting on her makeup on the train the other day and wanted to give her a round of applause. I can barely get mascara on in my bright ass bathroom without smudging some on my nose. So for the women who do put in the effort, especially the ones who don't need to because God also blessed you with extremely good looks, I salute you. Labels: anomaly, babble and rant, listy Friday, June 26, 2015 || 4:57 PM
I know there are some people who will judge me for this. In fact I'm sure some of you can't wait to judge me so I'll try to make this short and sweet so you can get to it. I am here for marriage equality for three very simple reasons. First, I feel like there are certain freedoms in life that should be afforded everyone. I guess that comes from the perspective of being a black woman in America. For the people who would say it's wrong for the LGBT community to have this right, I always think of what things must have been like when slavery was abolished and people were furious that we had basic human rights. And I feel like marriage is pretty basic as far as rights go. Second, I keep thinking about what it must be like for a homosexual person who actually wants to commit themselves to one person for the rest of their life and not be able to do that, all the while watching men and women everywhere make a mockery of the institution of marriage. From Kim Kardashian and her 72 day marriage to people who get shitfaced in Vegas and run off to a chapel only to have it annulled when the aftereffects of all that booze wears off. I mean, it has to suck. The third, last and probably most important reason that I am here for this is that a persons sexual orientation is no one's business except their significant other. I feel like my sexual orientation is like my teeth. It isn't relevant to anyone except the person I plan to spend my life with. My teeth (and whatever cavities I may have) aren't relevant to anyone except my dentist. If we're friends, all I need to know is that you're a dope ass person. Who you share your bed with and what they have between their legs isn't any of my business because it really doesn't affect me one way or another.I am a Christian and I do have my personal beliefs. But that's just it. They're personal and it really isn't my place to shove them down other people's throats. In fact, I could tell you from experience that that is the least effective way to get people to see your point of view. I guess my point is that I won't hate something that has nothing to do with me. It doesn't affect me or apply to me. If you are a heterosexual person who doesn't support gay marriage, my only advice is this: don't get gay married. A friend of mine put it a bit more eloquently. Everyone has the right to execute his or her decision in life whether they believe it's sinful or not, wrong or right. That's how fair and loving My God is. We were created with the ability to dictate our choices in life. As a Christian however, I also have the right to execute my decisions in regards to my choices, lifestyle, and belief systems and to stand firm on them. Am I going to give my homosexual friends the cold shoulder and condemn them to hell? Of course not. The love of Christ won't allow me to. I can however share my views and beliefs in a loving manner if the need arises. It doesn't mean you have to accept it, and I'm totally 100% okay with that.Moral of this story: live and let live #LoveWins Labels: babble and rant, pop of culture Thursday, May 28, 2015 || 11:31 PM
Yesterday, I posted the following series of clips to my Snap Story.
Labels: anomaly, babble and rant, in real life, personals Saturday, May 9, 2015 || 7:23 PM
Last week was the annual Met Gala and I'll be the first to admit that to this day, I really have no idea what that even is. But it's kind of like an episode of Sex and the City; you really only watch for the fashion. And it being one of the most interesting red carpets of the year, I always look forward to seeing all of the crazy/beautiful styles. Usually I don't write about this sort of thing but there was a lot of buzz following this year's Met Gala. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this so let's just get on into it, shall we?
This is Kim Kardashian
And this is Kim Kardashians 2015 Met Gala dress
Having a strange sense of deja vu? I wouldn't be surprised.
Here's the thing about Kim Kardashian: I really don't like her. Actually, I don't know her but since she has opened up her entire life to the scrutiny of the world, I can say this much: I don't like who I perceive her to be. And I could be wrong and she could just be seriously misunderstood but I highly doubt that's the case. The truth is, while their antics and shenanigans amuse me, I really don't like that family and all of the shallow, negative things they stand for. There are literally two people in that family that I actually do like, and trust me, their last names aren't Kardashian. (If anyone was wondering, it's Kendall and Mason...just, fyi.) But I'm not just a hater for the sake of hating. While I don't personally care for them, I have to respect their hustle. And their style is, eight times out of ten, impeccable. I have no trouble admitting when Kim Kardashian slays a look, which she usually does. And the thing is, she definitely slayed this look. It's just super disappointing that the one time she gets it all the way right on this, the best (in my personal opinion) red carpet of the year, she totally rips off Beyonce's look. This should explain that weird deja vu you were experiencing before....
This is Beyonce's 2012 Met Gala dress
Look familiar?
While the dresses aren't exactly the same, the similarities are just too much too ignore. Now these are actually the work of two different designers (Kim's is Cavalli and Bey's is Givenchy) but we'll get to that in a minute. I think Kim went for her signature cinched waist and shoulder pads look because those things are flattering on her figure. She's very slightly shorter and stouter and (falsely) thicker than Bey so I doubt she could pull off the exact same look. But she knows what works for her and she looked good.
That said, lets go down the list. Barely there naked dress? Check. Long sleeves? Check. Super long train of feathers? Check. Slicked back ponytail? Check. She even mastered the over the shoulder booty tooch. Come on, son. Am I really supposed to believe that this is a coincidence?
Of course I am!
Kim very conveniently came up with an explanation, the "inspiration" for her look.
Because obviously we were all thinking "ugh, I can't believe Kim Kardashian ripped off Cher's look at the first ever Met gala, she's so lame!"
Meanwhile, this also happened...
But you know, that's also just a coincidence. *Kanye shrug*
And of course, Queen Bey in the flesh (almost literally) at this years Met Gala
Now as I mentioned before, I always keep it real. I love Beyonce. Does she always get it right? Not necessarily. Is this look growing on me? Meh. I love the dress in all honesty but I really don't care for this hair with it.
(Disclaimer: that was a lie. Obviously. Beyonce is everything and always gets it right and is always flawless because she woke up like this. Tell the BeyHive please don't come for me. I'm on their side.)
If I'm being totally honest, the real winner in all of this is Rihanna.
She stuck with the theme (China: Through the Looking Glass), wore something that was actually made by a Chinese designer (Guo Pei), made a (literally) big entrance and made sure we wouldn't forget it. Bonus points for wearing this huge ass dress and not having the dress wear her.
Gotta love her....
Also...this happened.
I friggin' LOVE the internet.
Moral of this story: this tweet is truer now than it was a year ago
But you know, I don't got the answers.
Labels: babble and rant, entertainment, pop of culture Friday, May 1, 2015 || 9:09 PM
I have no idea of the details of the Freddie Gray situation and I have no intention of finding them out. The only thing I know is what I've gathered from social media and what I found out was enough to let me know that I didn't want to know any more. I am tired. Because really, this is just the same old story with a few varying details. And not even just in America but especially in Baltimore. I am so tired of this particular brand of injustice. Tired of seeing black people out in the streets protesting or rioting or looting or whatever it is they feel they need to do to express their grief over being treated as if their lives mean nothing. I'm tired of the arguments we have amongst ourselves, placing blame, more often than not where it doesn't belong. I'm tired of marching and chanting with no results, no change. But most of all, I'm tired of the endless list of names. Those people whose names and memory are often tainted to make a case for their murderer when they're no longer here to defend themselves. I can't remember them all, only a detail here or there. A man killed on his wedding day. Arizona and skittles and hoodies. A whisper: "I can't breathe." We've been drowning in this long list of names. Of course that false sense of security comes, the idea that maybe things are getting better, maybe we're making progress. And then they pull the rug out from under us. Another name is added to the list and we find ourselves drowning once more. "I can't breath."
So what's the point of learning these new details of the same story? Chances are, I already know how it ends. I'm over it. Because it's too much. Because I can't breath. Because I. Am. Tired.
Labels: anomaly, babble and rant, in real life Friday, January 2, 2015 || 4:31 PM
I've given up hope of getting rest and relaxation. 2014 was trash. There's no other way to put it. This last week alone was particularly shitty. So instead, I've decided to review and reevaluate. Because I cannot have another year like 2014. It was the first year of my entire life that I hadn't worked or gone to school all year. The first year that my illness had gotten so bad that I couldn't be a normally functioning person. I was looking through my Instagram feed the other day and it looked like I had the time of my life in 2014 (which goes to show that life is never as good as it looks under the best Instagram filters). I was jealous of that girl I saw in the pictures, with her friends and all her good times. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I deeply cherish all of the good times we have together. But when there is a deep sadness within you, the bad times are always easier to remember than the good.As the year came to a head and 2015 loomed closer and closer, things got worse. This past Monday was the fifth anniversary of my brother's death. Add that to a "best friend" who's all about self and a family who just doesn't get it and I can only chalk it up to God's unfailing mercy that I haven't completely fallen apart. That doesn't mean I haven't felt like I was at times. This New Years was also trash. And for a while there, in my deeply depressed state of mind, I resolved myself to thinking that this one day was a preview of the year to come and that things would just suck forever. On New Years Eve, I had to walk out on a situation that was greatly contributing to my madness and I still haven't found a solution to that problem. Then I had to witness my dearest friend try to deal with the current situation that's greatly contributing to her madness. It wasn't easy. The only thing worse than feeling yourself fall apart and trying with everything in you to hold it together is watching someone you love be in that very same position. Needless to say, I rang in the new year in tears and they didn't end at midnight. On New Years Day, I went out to run an errand and my walk home got increasingly sad the closer I got. It's a horrible feeling, to feel like you want to go home but you're already there. It sucks to feel like there isn't a soul on this Earth who cares and the only person who did is dead. At every intersection, I found myself wishing that the cars would keep coming as I crossed the street. I put on the biggest, darkest sunglasses I own and cried the whole way home and things inside my head got really dark. But as the day went on, things slowly got better as they tend to do when it seems least likely. My sister in-law came over with a big cup of cremas and assured me that I was not alone in my sadness this week. Then I spoke to my sister and she was able to put things into perspective as she always does, and somehow, talking to the few people who are closest to me gave me just enough hope for the new year. This week, my mother said probably the most profound thing I've ever heard her say: "Life is what you make it." It's such a cliche saying but coming from my old-school West Indian mother, I finally took it in the most literal sense. There are some things I will never be able to change, like the fact that I'm sick, that my brother is gone and I definitely can't change the actions of others. But for this new year, my only resolution is just a simple promise to myself to celebrate the good, not dwell on the bad and make life better to the best of my ability, not just for me but for everyone around me. And to my friends, I hope that in the time that I have known you, I have made your life better because as bad as things are for me at times, you have made my life better. I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year and I hope you all make it a great one. Labels: anomaly, babble and rant, friends and fam, in real life, personals Tuesday, November 25, 2014 || 4:25 PM
I usually don't do this. And even as I'm writing these words, I really just want to turn off this computer and television and fall off the face of the Earth but I can't. I guess what prompted this was my friends. There will always be strangers on the internet who don't agree with how you feel and it is what it is. There will always be trolls who just say shit to get a reaction and it's whatever. But I love my friends dearly. I want them to live long and fulfilling lives, see their children and grandchildren grow up and have all the success in the world. But you know, as most of them are black, who knows?The real reason I'm writing anything at all is because I've seen people's reactions in the hours following the decision in Ferguson. And most of what I've seen is expected, just like the decision itself. Which is really sad but there it is. But honestly, I've been a bit disappointed in my friends. I've seen everything from "what about black on black crime" and "would we be this mad if Mike Brown killed Trayvon Martin," to "this happened because no one wants to be a youth leader in the church." I'm not saying that all of those things aren't true but not only is the timing extremely inappropriate, those things are irrelevant right now. We just had a prosecutor (who honestly sounded more like a defense attorney) stand on national television and blame everyone EXCEPT the murderer for this. This man went as far as to blame social media. It's Twitter's fault that Mike Brown is dead. Now, as if that's not bad enough, WE are blaming everyone but the murderer. We're like battered women, conditioned to believe it's our fault, blaming ourselves for a murder we didn't commit. It's our fault because black people always kill each other. It's our fault because no one wants to take responsibility for our youth. Change starts at home. We love to compare ourselves to crabs in a barrel, never stopping to think that a barrel isn't a crab's natural habitat. I'm not saying the points being made are wrong. On the contrary, black on black crime is a problem. But so is homelessness and unemployment and don't get me started on that bitch Sallie Mae. But people have a right to be hurt about this because we live in a country where our lives are seemingly worthless, where mothers are sending their children out and wondering every second whether or not they're going to come back. And those feelings are completely valid. So yes, those other problems do exist but they have no place in this conversation. Changing the subject is exactly why these things keep happening. So instead of changing the subject, let's work on changing the system. Let's educate ourselves on the issues and vote people into office who will properly represent us. Don't just show up when a black person runs for president and ignore everything else. Our ancestors fought for the right to vote and we waste it. We know every detail about Love and Hip Hop and Scandal but can't hold a conversation about what's going on in our government. So to my friends, I love you guys and I say this with love: shutting the fuck up costs NOTHING. So do that. Because Trayvon Martin and Renisha McBride and Mike Brown and the countless other names, they never killed anyone, black or white. A youth leader could not have helped them. They were murdered because someone was uncomfortable with the color of their skin. And the same way it happened to them, it could happen to you and I because THAT is the world we currently live in. I love you guys, I really do. But shut the fuck up, bruh. Know justice, know peace. Labels: babble and rant, in real life Sunday, November 2, 2014 || 7:45 PM
For my entire life, I've been scared of the dentist. Admittedly, I haven't gone as consistently as I should because of all of the truly terrifying stories I've heard. And I figured, as long as I brush twice a day, rinse and floss, who needs a dentist anyway? Well, that was mostly true, until my wisdom teeth showed up to torment my soul. And still, I stubbornly sat around like "pain? what pain? I don't feel a thing." Let me just say that your fears have gotten the best of you when you've resolved to lie to yourself everyday about something as bad as a toothache. You think paper cuts are bad? You haven't felt pain until a cavity shows up in your already impacted wisdom tooth and makes you pray for death to come. Yes, it was that bad. So bad, in fact, that I decided to go to the dentist. Needless to say, it was obviously a last resort as Orajel and clove oil had failed me. So here are things I've learned on my few and far between trips to the dentist.
1. Brushing and flossing doesn't keep plaque from forming. So it's actually wise to go to the dentist often because the longer you don't go, the more it builds up and it is a bitch to scrape off. Seriously, I cried on the inside (only because the thug in me refused to shed actual tears).
2. Root canals aren't that bad. I've heard the most horrifying stories about root canals. Is Michael Myers your dentist? Seriously, who the hell is doing your dental work if your root canal was that bad?? It was uncomfortable while I was in the chair but I didn't actually experience any pain so either I got REALLY lucky or you guys gotta find better dentists.
3. Having your wisdom teeth extracted SUCKS. Ok, this one is true, but not in the way I've heard.
I've heard legit horror stories about extractions. So two days ago, when I decided to bite the bullet and get it pulled, I was a nervous wreck. Let me just say, It's very unlike me to be nervous about things like this. Because of my not so great health and dealing with it my entire life, trips to doctor's offices and hospitals are really no big deal. Multiple blood transfusions? No problem! Big ass needles delivering the strongest meds? Piece of cake! It's pretty routine now. Hold out your arm-tourniquet-needle-I.V. fluids-hold out your other arm-blood pressure cuff-hold out your finger-oxygen measuring device thing-put on nasal cannula-open your mouth-thermometer under your tongue-you're STILL ALIVE! Blah blah blah.
But seriously, I was losing my cool in the oral surgeons office. Lucky for me, he and his assistant were very cool and they both put me right at ease. So I sat in the chair and they asked if I wanted to be awake or asleep. And obviously, I said put me to sleep, please! After going over my medical history, the doc also thought that would be best. So he took my vitals and weirdly, this is what put me more at ease. This was something to which I was accustomed. The familiarity of the blood pressure cuff and nasal cannula, even the small butterfly needle used to inject the "happy drugs" that put me to sleep, it was nice. I'd done it a million times before, so I guess that's what finally relaxed me. Also, halfway into this realization, the "happy drugs" were hitting my blood stream so I honestly couldn't care if I wanted to at that point. But here's where things got interesting.
I've had surgery twice before in my life. Both of those times when I've had anesthesia, I remember the doctor telling me to count backwards from whatever number and I remember never finishing and the next thing I remember is waking up with a faint pain wherever my stitches were. So I thought it would be more of the same. Boy, was I wrong!
The doc kept me talking the entire time. Or maybe I was just extra talkative because I was still nervous, who knows? I remember the butterfly needle and him pushing some white substance through the I.V. I remember asking what it was and he said "it's crack. It comes in liquid form now" and I remember responding "oh wow, that's so convenient" right before things started getting fuzzy. The last thing I am absolutely sure actually happened was the doc telling me to lay my head back, open my mouth and turn slightly towards his assistant. After that, everything was a full on Beavis and Butthead style acid trip. I just remember a lot of colors, it literally looked like one of the music videos that Beavis and Butthead used to watch, when you wondered if the writers just woke up high everyday.
Also, everything was really funny for some reason. I went to like four or five different places with the doc, signed a bunch of papers, came back into the room, sat in the chair and heard the words "ok, Sasha, bite down, bite down," and I bit. All of these things happening in my imagination took about five minutes. After I bit down, the room slowly started swimming into view. I was wondering when we were gonna pull the tooth because the doc was gone, so I turned to the assistant to ask and that's when I realized I was still numb. Through my mouth full of gauze, I asked "are we done already?" and she replied "yea, we've been done! Just been waiting for you to wake up." I was shocked. Mostly because it felt like five minutes to me but I was actually asleep for about thirty minutes and even so, I expected the whole thing to take a much longer time. So I lifted my head to try to make myself stop seeing double but it was no use. I laid back and waited the few minutes it took for everything to become steady. The assistant said she would take me across the hall to a recovery room and that I would hold her shoulders and walk with her. She was surprised when I got up and was actually steady on my feet or, in her words, not doing the sideways walk. I told her after a week of round-the-clock Hydromorphone and Diphenhydramine I.V. cocktails at the hospital, this was a cakewalk. But I laid in the recovery room until my head was mostly clear. Afterwards, they took my vitals again, gave me prescriptions for more "happy drugs" and sent me on my merry way.
Let me say the local anesthesia mixed with the aftereffects of the other stuff is really freaking strong. Those youtube videos of people bugging out after they get their teeth pulled are accurate and that would have also been me had I not been exposed to other stronger drugs for so long because of my other health issues. But even so, I still found everything funny and wanted to say things I wouldn't have normally.
But here's the thing about getting your wisdom teeth out. The actual surgery is painless. I can't speak for you unlucky folks who had to stay awake for whatever reason but being asleep, you feel absolutely nothing. There really hasn't been any pain afterwards either, even after the local anesthetic wore off. Between the prescription the doc gave me and the ice pack I've been cuddling with everyday, I haven't felt more than the occasional pain when I rinse my mouth. The reason having your wisdom teeth pulled sucks is because you can't eat. And anyone who knows me knows that this has been the second most tragic thing that's ever happened to me in my 26 years on this Earth. I love food. It's the best thing ever. And not being able to have it is the worst. Not to mention, as soon as I woke up from the surgery, I started craving everything crunchy. Tortilla chips and dip, pretzels, crackers, popcorn, you name it. The day of the surgery, I didn't eat because I couldn't eat before and obviously, I couldn't eat after. It had been over 24 hours since I last ate (a chewy chocolate chip cookie the night before) and I was starving so I had one of those meal replacement supplement drinks. The next day, it was all mashed potatoes, soup and jello. Today, I ate a pint of ice cream in about ten minutes. And tomorrow, oatmeal! If you've read this far, you should feel as bad for me as I feel for you for actually having read all of this. Moral of this story: only do drugs when absolutely necessary and stop avoiding the dentist, for your own sake.
Labels: babble and rant, in real life, personals Friday, August 15, 2014 || 9:26 PM
On Saturday, August 9, 2014, Michael Brown (18) was fatally shot by law enforcement in Ferguson, MO.There are so many things that could be and have been said about this. There have been so many different reactions by people everywhere. I cannot and will not write about this because it is my personal belief that in situations like this, it is wise to put your emotions aside so that you can properly grasp the magnitude of what has happened and respond accordingly. As a young, black woman, I have way to many emotions about the subject at hand and no hope of putting them aside. I would not have written anything at all, had it not been for certain people on social media (as always) that I honestly feel don't deserve a response for their ignorance. But sometimes, and especially in these cases, ignorance is contagious and so I felt I should say something to stop the spread. There are some people who have tried to justify what has happened in whatever way they could. People who have said any and everything to uphold the disgusting actions of that officer in Ferguson, MO and undermine the life of a young man. I fully expect this from white people. Please, do not misunderstand me. I don't believe that this is the viewpoint of all white people. It isn't always as (excuse the term) black and white as "us vs. them" and it's been very refreshing to see a diverse crowd of protesters instead of just a sea of brown faces. What I mean to say is that when I do hear white people say things that try to justify what happened, I'm not at all surprised. What gets me is when I hear our own people agreeing with this line of thought. I feel like the only reason that a black person could have for agreeing with this is because they think that they are better than the Mike Brown's of the world. Whatever the circumstances were, whatever the situation may have been, Mike Brown was an unarmed, black man with his hands in the air and that is all I need to know. So it doesn't matter how educated you are or that you speak proper english. They won't care that you have white friends or you've dated white people. You may not be standing in the crowd, chanting "I am Mike Brown" but you damn well could be and if your justification is that he should not have put himself in the position to be fatally shot by the police, understand that the position is BEING BLACK. Meaning despite your degrees and your status, they can and will take one look at you and shoot your ass simply for being the color that you are. They don't need any other reason and they have made that abundantly clear. And honestly, you don't have to agree with me. You can stumble along in your ignorance for the rest of your life. But at the very least, understand that a life was wrongfully taken far too soon and no matter what anyone says, nothing will change that but while Mike Brown was riddled with bullets and is now, on top of that, having his name dragged through the mud to justify his brutal murder, he isn't here to defend himself. So if you take nothing else away from this, just remember and please understand that you can never have too much shut the fuck up and that if you are one such person, you should utilize it as often as you can for the sake of those around you. #NoJusticeNoPeace Labels: babble and rant, in real life Sunday, July 6, 2014 || 7:33 PM
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"Lately, I keep hearing people say "the biggest mistake that you make in your 20's is thinking that you should completely have your shit together." I'm paraphrasing but that's the gist of it. And honestly, when I heard it I was pretty relieved because although I'm well on my way, I still don't have my shit completely together. Getting there is just a part of growing up but for some reason, people think that when you stop growing, you stop growing up. Personally, I believe that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't think you ever truly stop growing up or learning more about yourself and the world around you.
These past few years alone have taught me a lot about life. More specifically, about people and what they're capable of. It's weird, when we're younger, it's all about the quantity of people in your life and as you get older, it's all about the quality. It always starts with a big change in your life. For me, it took the death of my brother to know who was truly a friend and who just called themselves that because it was convenient. The difference was easy to spot. One held my hand at his graveside and the other disappeared like Houdini. For others, like my best friend, it was a happier occasion (her marriage and the birth of her baby) that shone a light on the sad truth of human nature. Some stood by her at the alter and again, at the bedside of her newborn. But the vast majority whom she once thought were genuine, also learned the art of vanishing.
Sometimes, it's not an old relationship but a new one. The promise of something new with so many possibilities always outweighs the obvious red flags. Some people would rather be with a shitty person than be alone. I've said on numerous occasions that I will never understand it but it's a fact of life. And sometimes, it'll be your own flesh and blood who delivers the insulting blow every time you turn the other cheek. I know that the right thing to do is forgive these people. If God can forgive us for everything we've done, who are we to hold a grudge. But forgiveness doesn't mean you have to be a fool. When someone shows you their true colors, take it at face value. They will always be who they are and you will always be who you are and that's fine. But they can be who they are far away from you. Forgive them and then leave them the hell alone. Don't play in a hornets nest and then wonder why you keep getting stung. No one knows these people better than they know themselves so when they show you who they are and what they're all about, believe them. Chances are, they were only in your life for a season, long enough for you to learn the lesson intended. After all, it's all part of growing up.
Labels: babble and rant, in real life, personals Sunday, June 15, 2014 || 9:34 AM
Today is Father's Day. That day, once a year when we get to honor the men who helped bring us here. Emphasis on the word "men". Here's the thing. I usually have this whole rant about how fathers are just as important as mothers and yet, so many people still give Father's Day to women, as if they didn't have their day last month. So this year, I'll keep it short.My Father's Day wishes are reserved for *gasp!* fathers. I don't care if your momma played mommy, daddy, uncle and grandpa, she had her day last month and she can have all of the seats today. I don't care if you're almost a father and your woman is nine months pregnant. A father is a man who held his woman's hand, wiped the sweat from her brow and breathed with her in the delivery room. A father is a man who picked you up when you fell down and scraped your knee, put a band aid on your booboo, wiped your tears and sent you on your way. A father is a man who taught his sons how to be men and taught his daughters the importance of being a lady. But really, most importantly, a father is a MAN. And there are things a man can teach that a woman never could which is why God intended His children to be raised by both. Now I get it, not everyone was lucky enough to be raised in a home with two parents. And I can appreciate that one parent doing a job meant for two couldn't have been the easiest thing in the world. But I also know that Father's Day is for fathers. I'm not one of those bitter, fatherless women with daddy issues and if you are one such person, just know this: May is gone, much like your father. But unlike your father, it will be back and when that day comes, I will join you in singing the praises of mothers everywhere. But today, the only praises I'll be singing is that of my dad. Because as big of a pain in the ass as he always is, he has always been there. And that is what makes the difference between a father and a dad.   Labels: babble and rant, in real life, personals Saturday, April 5, 2014 || 6:54 PM
I feel like I encounter the subject of misogynistic douchebags way too often. The most recent encounter can be found here. But honestly, I'm tired. Like, really freaking tired. So I'm just gonna leave this here. Because it's everything. Do with it what you will.In case you're wondering, this is one half of my favorite duo, Crissle and Kid Fury from The Read. This is a snippet from an episode of their podcast, titled "Say No To Fuck Boys". The rest of the rant can be found here or on iTunes. Labels: babble and rant, entertainment, pop of culture Friday, March 21, 2014 || 7:36 PM
So...Kimye is on the cover of Vogue.
It ain't Ralph tho...
I figured I'd just put it out there fast, like ripping off a band-aid. Now, I obviously have to say something else. So here goes....
They look beautiful, I mean, this is Vogue but I'm actually a little disappointed. I've been against this from the very beginning and I'll tell you why. I used to like Kanye West. He was actually someone whose music I genuinely enjoyed. And I used to like Kim Kardashian. I find her family way more interesting than I find her but she is the reason for it all and I never actually disliked her. However Kanye and Kim together, I cannot stand. Kanye West has become a ranting, self-important jackass, while Kim has become a raging bitch. It's weird how this transformation happened right before our eyes and yet I'm still confused about it. Kanye West is the man who gave us College Dropout, an album with 21 tracks on it and I could never skip one because each one had something so REAL to say. Each one is so relevant and relatable TO THIS DAY! How do you go from that to ranting about leather jogging pants? As for Kim, the entire world saw her suck Ray J's dick (which is a fail in so very many ways, in and of itself) and now she feels like she's better than the world. I guess my biggest problem with this couple is the fact that I wish they would humble themselves because you can be the best at whatever it is that you do but this attitude that you're better than people and the world owes you something doesn't make you any more likable.
In my eyes, Vogue Magazine has always upheld a standard. And Anna Wintour putting Kimye on the cover makes me feel like Vogue has laid their standards down by the riverside. In my eyes, Kim never deserved to be on the cover of Vogue. A writer for one of my favorite websites actually said it best:
"It may be interesting to talk about Kim Kardashian (as a cultural phenomenon). It may be interesting to look at Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian, however, is not an interesting person in and of herself. She has no discernible talent or skill and never says anything worth reporting or repeating. Moreover, she is, let's face it, a woman who first became famous thanks to a purposefully 'leaked' sex tape. That is to say, she will do anything for fame, except be worthy of it. She represents a crass and cynical mode of consumerism that is only one inch divided from pornography, Paris Hilton, and Bratz Dolls. The fact that her fiancé has to argue for her, has to convince people she belongs on the cover just underscores how much she doesn't."
So really, I guess this is why I'm disappointed. The fact that Kim couldn't get on the cover without Kanye makes me sad. It kind of underscores the fact that she has no personality, nothing interesting to say and not one original thought in her brain. But on top of that, she got her dream off the strength of being a trophy to a man more powerful than she is. And to add insult to the injury of this blasphemy on the cover of the fashion bible, there was a hashtag under the photo. A hashtag. On the cover of Vogue. What??
Anywhoo, Anna Wintour released a statement about the cover. The fact that she released a statement speaks volumes more than the statement itself but I'm not gonna go there.
I guess she was expecting some backlash about this whole thing and felt the need to defend herself. Which is fine but still, no. Because standards. On another note, I do feel like there is some shade in this statement, as well as the fact that they're on the April cover but that's neither here nor there. Congrats to them on this not so well deserved honor. Whatever.
Labels: babble and rant, entertainment, pop of culture Friday, February 14, 2014 || 10:20 PM
I tried so hard not to rant today. I stayed off of the internet for the most part, didn't really talk to many people and kinda just went about my business. But now I'm starting to think that the universe just wants me to rant. And who am I to deny the universe??As a disclaimer, I will say this: I really, really wish people were smarter. And they just refuse to be. Oh welp. I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. I don't celebrate it when I'm in a relationship, not when I'm dating and definitely not when I'm single. I have my own personal reasons for that and if anyone would like to know, I'd be happy to elaborate. I have nothing against people who do celebrate Valentine's Day. If that's what you like, more power to you. But what I absolutely cannot stand is all of the people with an opinion about EVERYONE ELSE on Valentine's Day. I feel like if you're single on Valentine's Day, so fucking what?? Be single. But your bitterness about other people with their roses and chocolates and happiness and whatever the hell else is really unattractive and your singleness is starting to make a lot more sense to me. I think the only thing more obnoxious than these bitter single people are the people who are in supposedly happy relationships poking fun at single people on Valentine's Day. The same ones who are all over social media talking about "happy single's awareness day, hahaha." Really? You're in such a happy relationship but instead of focusing on you and your probably insignificant other and enjoying this day together, you're making single people feel bad about themselves? What are you trying to prove? That you're somehow better than these people? Who hurt you?? Ugh. People suck. Labels: babble and rant, in real life Tuesday, February 4, 2014 || 1:04 PM
There will come a time in your life (if it hasn't come already) when society will tell you it is absolutely unacceptable for you to be single. And if you're a woman, forget about it. They'll say that something must be wrong with you if you're this old and still single. I keep wondering why people talk about being single like it's a disease. You could be on a team of doctors that just found the cure to Cancer and in the worlds eyes, you still ain't shit because you have no significant other to validate your existence. That kind of thinking really confuses me. But that might be because I have self esteem falling out of my butt and therefore don't feel like I'm merely half of something greater that I have yet to find. I love myself entirely too much too feel like my existence doesn't mean anything without someone else. I'm flawless, not because Beyonce said it but because God made me in His image. That's not something I'm likely to forget. Now don't misunderstand me. I'm not one of those "I don't need a man" neck-rolling finger-snapping women. I just enjoy feminism of the Beyonce variety. Because she's a woman who loves her man but knows she's the shit with or without him. My point is this: life is wonderful and having someone to share it with is even better. But the world will not end if you don't have that. It's weird for me to realize that there are really people, amazing people at that, who feel like their life is meaningless if they're not with someone, even if that person is entirely wrong for them. And I guess it's a weird thought for me because it's something I could never understand or identify with. I can do bad all by myself. So I'd rather be happy by myself than miserable with someone else. And the only way to be happy by yourself is to love yourself. So love yourselves. It's way easier than feeling insignificant or putting up with the bullshit of someone who doesn't even deserve you. It's also the best thing you'll ever do, I guarantee it.Labels: babble and rant, personals |