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esskay
Digital storyteller, Photographic narrator, Hogwarts alum. In real life, I write things. I speak fluent sarcasm. I'm unintentionally funny. My favorite thing is food. Guac is life. I'm a fountain of the most random information. I'm pretty, only because it's weird to call oneself beautiful. I'm weird in all the good ways. I live in the greatest city on Earth. I was Sasha before Beyonce was schizophrenic. My life is stranger than fiction. But please, don't take my word for it. My pen is mightier than my sword. Instagram
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Monday, September 2, 2013 || 9:11 PM
Death has taught me many things. In the last four years, I've lost my grandfather, brother, and three uncles. So in the last four years, this is what I've learned:1. You never get used to it. No matter how many people die around you, you will never get used to people dying around you. It will always take you by surprise, even if they were really sick or really old, or both. You will always feel like you've had the wind knocked out of you and every time you think about them, you will struggle to catch your breath because you will always remember the feeling of having the wind knocked out of you. 2. It will never get better. I don't know why people say it will when loved ones pass away. It is the biggest lie ever, not to mention a huge set up. You'll keep waiting for it to get better and it never will because subconsciously, what you're really waiting for is everything to go back to normal and normal doesn't exist without the person you lost. This seems to be the one thing that time cannot heal. Because of course it is. 3. People suck.* It's funny how the people who say "I'm here if you need anything" really aren't. It's just a thing people say when tragic things happen because they don't know what else to say and they are a waste. Usually, the people who matter don't say that because they're too busy being there. For anything. Literally. When my brother died, I remember sitting in silence with my best friend as I cried my eyes out. She didn't know what to say so she didn't say anything. She was just there. I appreciated that more than she can ever understand. My other "best friend" was MIA until she could be around me and not be uncomfortable because I might spontaneously burst into tears over my dead brother. We're no longer friends. Obviously. 4. #foreveralone. After someone passes, you will feel like that person was the only other person on the planet and you are now completely and utterly alone. You will be surrounded by people and wish that you could trade them all for the one you lost because only they would understand how you're feeling. Ironically, you wouldn't be feeling that way if they were there. It's a total catch 22. 5. No one gets it. For a while, you feel like you're the only one who lost someone because you're only thinking about your relationship with that person. You're too hurt to see past your own grief and realize that there are dozens of other people mourning the same loss. It doesn't really matter though. None of them can see past their grief to yours anyway. Which brings us back to number four. #forveralone 6. Things will never be the same. Because of course they won't. Maybe I'm being morbid or pessimistic or whatever. But this is my reality. This December will make four years since my brother passed away. I haven't gotten used to it. Things haven't gotten better. People still suck. No one gets it. And things will never be the same. And now, I have to say goodbye to yet another uncle entirely too soon. This is life's great irony, that the only thing guaranteed is death. I'm tired of people saying life is short. It's the longest thing I've ever done. And with every loved one I've lost, it only gets longer. So now, I pretend nothing's wrong and that everything's ok. Some people call that strength but sometimes, you just gotta fake it 'til you make it. *People definitely suck. Like...for real. And they have a way of showing their true colors when you actually need them. But I thank God everyday for the few that don't suck, the ones that have helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. You know who you are and you guys are my family. I love and appreciate you all more than you can ever understand. Thank you. Labels: friends and fam, in real life, listy, personals |