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esskay
Digital storyteller, Photographic narrator, Hogwarts alum. In real life, I write things. I speak fluent sarcasm. I'm unintentionally funny. My favorite thing is food. Guac is life. I'm a fountain of the most random information. I'm pretty, only because it's weird to call oneself beautiful. I'm weird in all the good ways. I live in the greatest city on Earth. I was Sasha before Beyonce was schizophrenic. My life is stranger than fiction. But please, don't take my word for it. My pen is mightier than my sword. Instagram
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Tuesday, July 18, 2017 || 5:01 PM
I used to think I was the master of grudge holding. Like, if it's fuck you now, it's fuck you forever. I don't know if it's that I've grown as a person or that I really just don't have the energy to give that much to other people anymore. Maybe it's a little bit of both. But there's this Maya Angelou quote that always comes to me when I think about forgiveness.I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.They say everyone is in your life for a reason and a season. There have been people in my life who at the time, I thought would be here forever. And when they showed me who they really were, then I thought it would be fuck them forever. And now that I think about it, I realize I don't think about those people at all. I don't wish them well, I don't wish them bad, I just don't care. Then there are other people who I thought would be in my life for the long haul and it's funny how when you form these bonds, it always feels like it's for forever. It never enters your mind that things won't turn out the way you thought until they don't. But there are people who I've been close to and we've stopped being close for one reason for another. Those people, I think about quite often. Because even if I feel like the way we fell apart isn't on me, I still know that they're good people. I wish them well and even though we may not talk anymore, I'm still quietly rooting for them. Here's the thing. Maya Angelou wasn't wrong. But I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the exception and not the rule. I can forgive, I can move on, I can wish you well but I will never, ever forget exactly what you said or exactly what you did to cause us to be on the outs. And in my mind, what you did becomes who you are. It doesn't erase the friend you were before but it's a lot like mourning them because until you change what happened (i.e. apologize, explain, something!) you'll always be this new asshole in my mind. The asshole who stopped speaking to me for no reason, or the asshole who wanted to point fingers at me to mask your own shortcomings. Or the asshole who thought some guy or girl was more important than our lifelong friendship. And even though I can forgive these things, until you personally take the steps to change it, I can't see it any other way. Nobody is perfect. And because we're imperfect people, we have imperfect relationships. I'd like to think I've grown into a person who can recognize and admit when they're wrong. And I'd like to think that the people in my life are the same. But I also know that the longer a silence goes on, the less likely it is to end. So for now, I'll try to fill the silence with something beautiful. And know I'll still be here, quietly rooting for you, asshole that you may be. Because with the exception of the people who have made it all too easy to forget them, we're friends. We may not speak, we may not have spoken for some time, but some people just can't be shaken from your life so easily. Labels: babble and rant, friends and fam, in real life, personals |