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esskay
Digital storyteller, Photographic narrator, Hogwarts alum. In real life, I write things. I speak fluent sarcasm. I'm unintentionally funny. My favorite thing is food. Guac is life. I'm a fountain of the most random information. I'm pretty, only because it's weird to call oneself beautiful. I'm weird in all the good ways. I live in the greatest city on Earth. I was Sasha before Beyonce was schizophrenic. My life is stranger than fiction. But please, don't take my word for it. My pen is mightier than my sword. Instagram
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Friday, January 2, 2015 || 4:31 PM
I've given up hope of getting rest and relaxation. 2014 was trash. There's no other way to put it. This last week alone was particularly shitty. So instead, I've decided to review and reevaluate. Because I cannot have another year like 2014. It was the first year of my entire life that I hadn't worked or gone to school all year. The first year that my illness had gotten so bad that I couldn't be a normally functioning person. I was looking through my Instagram feed the other day and it looked like I had the time of my life in 2014 (which goes to show that life is never as good as it looks under the best Instagram filters). I was jealous of that girl I saw in the pictures, with her friends and all her good times. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I deeply cherish all of the good times we have together. But when there is a deep sadness within you, the bad times are always easier to remember than the good.As the year came to a head and 2015 loomed closer and closer, things got worse. This past Monday was the fifth anniversary of my brother's death. Add that to a "best friend" who's all about self and a family who just doesn't get it and I can only chalk it up to God's unfailing mercy that I haven't completely fallen apart. That doesn't mean I haven't felt like I was at times. This New Years was also trash. And for a while there, in my deeply depressed state of mind, I resolved myself to thinking that this one day was a preview of the year to come and that things would just suck forever. On New Years Eve, I had to walk out on a situation that was greatly contributing to my madness and I still haven't found a solution to that problem. Then I had to witness my dearest friend try to deal with the current situation that's greatly contributing to her madness. It wasn't easy. The only thing worse than feeling yourself fall apart and trying with everything in you to hold it together is watching someone you love be in that very same position. Needless to say, I rang in the new year in tears and they didn't end at midnight. On New Years Day, I went out to run an errand and my walk home got increasingly sad the closer I got. It's a horrible feeling, to feel like you want to go home but you're already there. It sucks to feel like there isn't a soul on this Earth who cares and the only person who did is dead. At every intersection, I found myself wishing that the cars would keep coming as I crossed the street. I put on the biggest, darkest sunglasses I own and cried the whole way home and things inside my head got really dark. But as the day went on, things slowly got better as they tend to do when it seems least likely. My sister in-law came over with a big cup of cremas and assured me that I was not alone in my sadness this week. Then I spoke to my sister and she was able to put things into perspective as she always does, and somehow, talking to the few people who are closest to me gave me just enough hope for the new year. This week, my mother said probably the most profound thing I've ever heard her say: "Life is what you make it." It's such a cliche saying but coming from my old-school West Indian mother, I finally took it in the most literal sense. There are some things I will never be able to change, like the fact that I'm sick, that my brother is gone and I definitely can't change the actions of others. But for this new year, my only resolution is just a simple promise to myself to celebrate the good, not dwell on the bad and make life better to the best of my ability, not just for me but for everyone around me. And to my friends, I hope that in the time that I have known you, I have made your life better because as bad as things are for me at times, you have made my life better. I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year and I hope you all make it a great one. Labels: anomaly, babble and rant, friends and fam, in real life, personals |